Let's talk about people pleasing.
This is something that comes up again and again in therapy, in coaching and consulting with creative and impact-led business owners, and in my work with cycle-breakers and trauma survivors. I myself have had a long and challenging journey with patterns of people pleasing.
Have you been people pleasing? Here's a self-check:
1. Do you often agree with others just to keep the peace, even when you feel differently or think they are wrong?
2. Do you avoid sharing your true opinion because you worry about someone else's reaction, or perhaps being rejected?
3. Do you feel guilty or anxious if someone seems unhappy with you?
4. Do you regularly put others' needs ahead of your own?
5. Are you feeling taken for granted, hurt, or feeling resentful in your relationships?
6. Do you often apologize for things that aren't actually your fault?
7. Do you find it hard to say no?
If you answered yes to several of these, you have likely learned to engage in a pattern of people-pleasing. If that's the case, I want you to remember that we aren't born people-pleasers. We learn to appease (or "fawn" if you are familiar with common responses to threats - fight, flight, fawn, and freeze) typically as a response to our relationships, environments, and society.
Why have you learned this? Many of us learned to people please out of fear of harm or rejection. We may have learned over time in our relationships that love or belonging was conditional on us keeping others around us appeased and happy. We may have learned to feel we were responsible for managing the emotions of others around us. Let's take a look at your people pleasing...
What are you trying to protect yourself from?
Take a moment if you feel open to it, and imagine the last time you agreed to something that you later felt regret or annoyance for agreeing to. If you had said no, how do you think the person would have reacted? How do you think you would have felt? This can be a helpful clue for why you personally may people please in certain situations.
For me, people-pleasing was something I learned early on in life when abuse and the explosive anger of adults around me taught me that keeping people happy was the safest option. I learned that it was easier to go with what others wanted than to risk the conflict that could come with expressing my own opinion or needs. I also learned to be aware of possible impending conflict or rising anger among people in the rooms I was in. Some people say that's being an "empath" but I wasn't necessarily feeling the warm and fuzzy emotions. I was being socially vigilant to possible negative ones.
Even as an adult, that habit was hard to break. In school and work especially, I tended to take on more work and responsibility than was sustainable, agree to additional tasks or requests just to avoid anticipated conflict, and often felt taken for granted. Resentment is a really helpful emotion because it shows us when we may be giving more than is healthy or crossing over our own boundaries.
People pleasing can be a strategy that feels safer when you are around unsafe people, but it's a temporary solution at best. And at its worse, it can chip away at our sense of identity, connection, and worth.
If you've noticed yourself people pleasing, consider what situations and relationships this shows up in. And what does some part of you think it is protecting you from by people pleasing?
People Pleasing and Victim Blaming
I wasn't abused as a child, harassed at work, or faced with anger because I took up space or used my voice - but that is what it can feel like. We see this around us and within us. When there is a threat or a person/group abusing power, we can tell one another not to set that person off (blaming fellow victims rather than the oppressor) or even have that inner dialogue with ourselves.
People can become reactive or attack because of their own learning, complicated histories, or even just the sort of day they've had. People pleasing may feel like it should protect us, but in all honesty, we cannot prevent others from doing harm, getting angry, or abusing power. It may feel like expressing ourselves means danger, but really, certain people in certain circumstances cause harm (not us having opinions).
Shrinking ourselves and silencing ourselves does not guarantee any protection. If it did, the abused kids and partners, harassed employees, and quiet citizens of the world would not experience continued violence, harassment, or injustice. Our society has such a deep and pervasive messaging that victims of violence, or people of lower power are in some way responsible for managing the emotions and behaviors of those in higher power. You see this when parents (or other family members) blame children for the adult's emotions (e.g., "you made me mad/ you made me do this / you know you shouldn't upset your mother"). You also see this when people in power strip us of our rights. Do fellow working class blame the 1% who hoard all of the wealth and resources, control political systems to their own benefit, and choose to exploit or harm people with far less power because of any of us? No. That's their behavior. The person next to you who sought a scholarship, assistance for food, or a raise to try to have a living wage did not make life unaffordable for you. Likely a handful of billionaires did. But we tell ourselves that we can't upset our bosses or those in power or we will cause them to harm, exploit and oppress us. It's all nonsense.
A man doesn't attack a woman who did not want to date him because she said no. He attacked her because he feels entitled to the body and attention of another person and chose to engage in violence. People pleasing feels like a solution but it also suggests that the problem is you having a voice, taking up space, or existing.
What "Not People Pleasing" Looks Like
You can certainly choose to prioritize group harmony, but I encourage you to consider why you are doing what you are doing. Are you agreeing to sing Frozen songs for the fourth night in a row because you love seeing your toddler happy and that's enjoyable for you too? That's totally fine. We don't have to go to the opposite end and never think of others to free ourselves from people pleasing. We just have to bring ourselves down the spectrum to our personal happy middle.
But I hope you will not silence your own needs out of fear of anger, conflict, or upsetting others.
I hope you'll remind yourself that:
you get to take up space
not everyone has to be happy with you or like you
and someone disliking you does not have to mean you are unsafe.
Not people pleasing means knowing you can say no if something does not feel good for you. You can say no to protect your energy. You can choose to care for your own needs. It means being intentional in your decisions when you do say yes. There are so many benefits to this too. You get to feel less resentment and self-silencing. You are no longer assuming your needs and worth are less than others. And the people around you also get to know that when you say yes to something, they can trust that you are in fact making that decision thoughtfully. The people who care about you genuinely want you to be able to say no when you want to. Because that makes for more honest, safe, and lasting relationships.
Lastly, and no less importantly... Not people pleasing means choosing to spend more time and energy in mutually loving relationships. If you learned to people please due to unsafe or conditional relationships, then you don't just want to stop people pleasing. You may also want to change how you approach relationships and who you choose to spend your time with.
This is an ongoing conversation of course. With something as in depth as people pleasing I really can't do it justice in a single post. I would love it if you could tell me what of this was helpful for you and what else you'd like us to talk about!
Warmly,
Dr. Jackie
Reminder: These are blog posts, not therapy. If you or someone you know needs support, please call for support (e.g., National US Crisis Line 988) for medical or mental health emergencies. To connect for care, please reach out to us at connect@mockingbirdtherapy.com.
